So after spending six months in Tokyo teaching and socializing, March rolled around and the party was over. I was headed back to DC at the end of March to help with my sister, Erin/Rebecca’s wedding. I bet you’re wondering why the slash. Ats (yet another name for my sister but one only used by me and my brother, Mark, as a sign of respect) is known by Erin by family and friends but Chip calls her Rebecca so there. Whatever, from here on in she’ll be known as Ats cause it’s disrespectful for me to call her anything else.

Back to the story. Ok so I get back and after about two weeks of jetlag and a bout of food poisoning, I was ready to work. Let us tangent here for a bit. I’ve deduced that my “food poisoning” incident was just my body adjusting back to American food. Nobody else who went with me to that party got sick cause they’re used to the hoochieness that is processed, sodium-filled American cuisine. I thought I was going to die. And I couldn’t “number 2” it out nor could I yak cause it was just that powerful. So in true grandma style I went to bed around 10pm curled up in the fetal position cause that was the only position that semi dulled the pain. I spent the next few days avoiding all food. For a second there me and cantaloupe were sworn enemies but you’ll be happy to know we’ve since made up. So that was my one and only run in with food adjustment…I guess it took about two or blah weeks to settle that one.

The wedding was May 14th and we had lots to do: programs, last minute invites, flowers, decorations, cake, transportation, keeping the family entertained, and making sure the stress level of the bride was in check. The one thing we didn’t want to have was a bridezilla appearance. Bottom line, you can’t avoid bridezilla. She will make an appearance one way or another. But it’s understandable you know?

So we’re plugging along with everything and wouldn’t you know, the checklist of things to get done started to get smaller and smaller. Woo hoo!!! Cake done, no more invites are going out. I really do want to tell you about the drama that was the invite list but it is a time in my life that I prefer to not revisit. Bottom line, people were declining and people were being invited to “fill their spots.” I thought this was supposed to be a small wedding. But in true Filipino fashion we just couldn’t do it. In the end it was small by Filipino standards but still above the 125 we initially planned for.

Now that brings us to May. Ats took off the two weeks leading up to the wedding which was a brill move. And those two weeks were just so fun and exciting I just don’t know if I want to share it with you all. Dudes, those two weeks were so full of tasks the days just ran together and I had a tough time discerning Monday from my ass. We would literally wake up at the ass crack of dawn, or as I like to sometimes call it “ass o’clock,” and not get home til 9 or 10. I do believe my ass imprint is still in the Matrix (my sister’s car). You gotta have a legacy!

But with all the hoochie drama there were the little “woo hoo’s” along the way. My dress still fit after blah months, my mom and I got a sweet deal on the cd cases, the ribbon, the unity candle….and all of this goodness happened in the same day. I just couldn’t contain myself.

The upcoming days were filled with make-up run thrus (sit down folks, guess who was having the run through….ME! I know, I know I surprise myself sometimes), hair test runs, last minute visits to the tailor, florist, the printers, bridal showers, beauty day (manicures, pedicures, eyebrow waxing….a fun day for one and all) and many a trip to the airport. Tangent time….I am so happy that Washington DC is serviced by THREE airports. That was the bee’s knees. But I didn’t get it as bad as my dad….he had a new profession during wedding time……Super Shuttle driver. Poor guy. He must have been so tired…he’s a champ for doing it, you don’t even know.

Ok so now we’re at Friday night. Since the family is occupying Germantown, the youguns got kicked out to Kensington. It’s all good cause time away to relax is nice but it’s two days to the wedding----do you think we were relaxing? Exactly. There was just barely enough time to squeeze in about 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Saturday there’s a luncheon for all the out-of-towners and then rehearsal dinner and rehearsal. I’ve some real choice pics of the rehearsal (thank you, Tooncenator). It was a long night….loooong night. We left at about 11pm and the aunties and uncles were still decorating the church. So we get our stuff and head to the hotel to “sleep.” We got about 2 hours that night but that’s understandable cause of all the last minute things to do. We made Ats sleep cause she’s the bride and out of all of use she’s the one that needs to look good on Sunday. Riz was up using her bad ass calligraphy skills to write out the place cards. They looked better than anything we could have printed on the hoochie computer. Reena (another champ….you go with your 6 months pregnant self) stayed up to fix the veil. Poor girl…Reena is a mom now so she’s all good with the no cursing but I knew something was wrong when she dropped the F bomb. She measured the length of the veil perfectly and then ended up sewing it to the wrong side of the tiara. That’s was 3:30 in the morning will do to you. Rhianna just crashed out but her sleep probably sucked cause the rest of us were still up (sorry man!). I did my part and was tearing up the name cards. A note to Avery….put deeper perforations on the card stock people. Don’t skimp out. I mean, it’s made in China so you’re already getting it for cheapy. Shell out the five cents and throw me a bone. Those mothers were tough to tear, let me tell you. Riz and Reena went to bed at 4:45 and set the alarm for 6. They’re so good. It went off and I just could not be asked to do anything so Rhianna reaches over and does it for me. Yay. I slept til near 7 cause there was just not enough energy to get up. And besides, it doesn’t take me that long to get ready so I was squeezing every minute of sleep I could get. Breakfast arrived and I finally did get up. I mean, if you’re gonna get up at ass o’clock you gotta make it worth it. Breakfast was worth it. We had to eat something cause nothing says “fabulous wedding” like a bridesmaid fainting. holla

So on to the getting ready….It was a pretty a painless process, everyone doing their own hair and makeup. Yes, I know it’s customary to hire a professional but not when the crazy mother is going to charge $200. And before you say $200 for 5 people ain’t so bad…that’s $200 per person. They were going to charge $200 to blowdry and texturize my hair. No thanks. I noticed that as soon as you ask a vendor for a service and say it’s for a wedding all they see is dollar signs. We started using code and inquiring on prices for a “formal occasion.” But you know, it’s good that we did our own thing cause I’ve been to several weddings and the bridal party looks like they’re ready for their funeral viewing. Look at the pictures….I see no viewings in sight.



Naturally, my sister was the first to start the getting ready process and the last to finish. Ok, that’s a lie. Riz was the last to finish cause she had to help me and Rhianna with our makeup. But Riz is a star and did a fab job and was ready in a jiffy. My mom and Ats are out the door cause it was around 9:50 and the wedding was set to start at 10. What can I say, we’re Filipino…we’re gonna be late. So ten minutes later we, the bridesmaids, finally leave only to see my mom and sister still at the elevator. WTF? Yeah, you guessed it, they were waiting for the elevator. Eighteen floor hotel, one working elevator. What are the chances. We call the lobby and they’re aware of the problem and are sending the engineer or whatever to check on it. Finally after five minutes the elevator finally shows. The old dude takes a look at the stressed out bride and get off. Thank you, old dude. There was no way my happy ass was going to walk down 11 flights of stairs. I wouldn’t do it in regular clothes (ok maybe I would) but definitely not in my snaz maid of honor get-up. I mean, 3-inch heels and stairs are not friends. So basically we gave the FU to every floor we stopped at. We had to…there was no space and we were on a mission. It finally stops on the 2nd floor and my mom has had it. A man gives us an evil look and just as the doors are closing she screams out “take the stairs why don’t you.” Ah, gotta love mom, she sure does have a way with people. So we go “Home Alone” style through the lobby and get out to the car. But wouldn’t you know, there is the biggest CF at the drop off because it’s Mother’s Day and everyone is too damn lazy to walk the ten feet from the lot to the door. It’s just too much for them. Lazy asses. I was worried about standing there waiting not cause we were going to be more late to the church but because all the people we pissed off going down in the elevator were going to get downstairs and I was afraid we’d have to rumble. Luckily, we made a clean get away.

We get to the church and good thing we got their late. I heard from the peeps after the ceremony that if we did actually start at 10am there would have been about 15 people there. Ha! See everything happens for a reason. The ceremony was beautiful and went off with no problems. I didn’t faceplant down the aisle (thank you 3M for the non-skid guards) but I did cry….alot. It was sickening. Good thing I had my secret stash of tissues, and no they weren’t in my bra. As classy as it would have been for me to be grabbing tissues out of my bra, I was holding them with my bouquet.


Picture time was picture time. A big CF of everyone getting together and posing for this and that. I finally had to take a break from the heels and took them off for some of the photos. Thank goodness the dress was long cause you can’t tell I ain’t wearing no shoes. Holla! After picture time it was off to the reception in the limo. And yeah, Ats was right….riding in a limo ain’t nothing to write home about. We thought it was going to be a regular, white stretch limo. Oh no, they sent this F-off long SUV stretch limo. It had ho bachelorette party written all over it. It was that classy. But it got us to our destination with no problem, except for a really faint dodgie smell. Hmmm, must have been coming from the bed in the back. Oh yes, you read correctly…this thing was big enough to have a queen bed in it. All I have to say about that is thank goodness my dad drycleaned my dress.

The reception was at Strathmore Mansion and we couldn’t of asked for a better place. Everything was just as we imagined it. The one big F-up on Strathmore’s part was the setting up of the giveaways/favors. The caterers told us that the earliest we could bring anything to get put on the tables was 10am the day of. Umm hello, all the people that we could possibly ask to do that will be at the wedding! So James, Miranda, Tooncenator, and Yesenia step up and leave the ceremony early so they can set up for us. Oh man, I learned from them afterwards that the caterers were telling them, “why didn’t you bring it last night? We could have stored it here for you so you wouldn’t have had to leave the ceremony early.” Can we say oozing, seething hatred? Oh yes, I swear if it wasn’t a special occasion they would have kicked the S out of little miss caterer. But aside from that and a few hiccups with the placecards it was all good. Dancing, cakes, toasting, eating…the reception was good. The highlight by far was after the garter/bouquet toss. Tooncenator took one for the team and grabbed the bouquet. My cousin, Isaac, muscled his way to get the garter. The emcee tells Tooncenator to have a seat and he explains to Isaac that for every inch above the knee he puts the garter it will equal the number of happy years for the couple. Well, let’s just say Isaac had no fear. He went for it dude. If Tooncenator wasn’t wearing pants, there would have been some violation for sure. Thank goodness for small miracles.

So all in all it was a fabulous experience. Got to see some fam, almost lost my sanity…it was fun for everyone. Bottom line is this: I’m glad I was there, I’m glad I could help, I’m glad I was the maid of honor BUT never, ever again.